An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of
weather we are having.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
The First Stone
Jesus was standing on a hill talking to his people.
"He who hath not sinned, cast the first stone."
Just then a stone came flying from the back of the crowd and hit him hard on the head.
"Ouch, Dad! I hate when you do that!"
Funny Speach
This is an actual speech that a student gave to the entire
student
body for a friend to help him get elected to the student
government association.
"I know a man who is firm -- he's firm in his pants, he's firm
in his shirt, his character is firm. but most... of all his
belief in you, the students fo Bethel is firm."
"Jeff is a man who takes his point and pounds it in -- If
necessary, he'll take an issue and nail it to the wall. He
doesn't attack things in spurts. he drives hard -- pushing and
pushing until finally -- he succeeds."
"Jeff is a man who will go to the very end -- even the climax,
for each and every one of you."
"So vote for jeff for ASB Vice President -- he'll never come
between you and the best our high school can be."
Murphy's Law Corollary...
- Murphy's Law Corollary
- Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
- Murphy's Law Corollary
- Mother nature is a bitch.
What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton...
What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he had??
An ex-wife and a dead girl friend.
Clinton and the Genie
Bill Clinton is walking around in the White House when he stumbles upon a very old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it. Within seconds, a genie pops out
"I will grant you but one wish" the genie says.
Clinton thinks it over, and says, "I wish for peace in the middle east."
"Where is that?" the genie asks.
Clinton pulls out a map and points to the mid-east.
"Are you kidding? Do you have any idea how long they've been fighting over there? There's no way I can stop that! Pick another wish instead."
Clinton thinks it over and says, "I wish that the American people wouldn't make fun of me and my wife, and that I will be remembered as the best President of all time."
The genie says, "Let me see that map again."
Gordon's Object Lifespan Theorem:
Gordon's Object Lifespan Theorem: No matter the amount of care given the purchased object, it will fuse/explode/disassemble within three days of warranty expiration.
Climb
You know your in trouble when the tower say's, "Climb like your life depends on it...because it does."
Lost while hunting
Two men from Canada were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something. The first man says to the other, 'If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you.' After about three hours, the second man finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo. The next morning, the first man finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the first man if he did what he told him to do. The man answers, 'Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows.'
Smitty the Parrot's Birthday
Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty, "What do you want for your birthday?" Smitty says, "I want to get laid."
So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a hot-looking parrot whore.
After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching and squawking, so he runs upstairs and into the room.
There's Smitty, holding down the whore parrot and yanking out her colorful feathers.
"Harry, says Smitty, what the hell are you doing?"
Smitty says, "For a hundred bucks I want her nude!"
Wash Hands after Going to the Bathroom
A marine and a sailor were taking a piss in a bathroom. The
marine goes to leave without washing his hands.
"In the navy, they teach us to wash our hands."
"In the marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands!"
Kid's say the darndest things...
Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:
- The future of "I give" is "I take."
- The parts of speech are lungs and air.
- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get oursilk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
- The climate is hottest next to the creator.
- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
Risk of plane bombs
A mathematician and a non-mathematician are sitting in an airport hall waiting for their flight to go. The non has terrible flight panic."Hey, don't worry, it's just every 10000th flight that crashes.""1:10000? So much? Then it surely will be mine!""Well, there is an easy way out. Simply take the next plane. It's much more probable that you go from a crashing to a non-crashing plane than the other way round. So you are already at 1:10000 squared."
Fuzzy
what is pink and fuzzy?......pink fuz
what is blue and fuzzy?......pink fuz holding its breathe!
Playpen
Mary was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts.
Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch."
"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said. So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Slanted News
Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "'Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies.
"'Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," says the reporter as he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says.
"Then what are you?" the reporter asks
"I'm a Cowboys fan!!!" the boy says proudly.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet!"
Dogs `n Light Bulbs
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Rottweiler: Make me! Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh? Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark... Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch. Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there! Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb? Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle... Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?
Knock Knock 156
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Roxie!
Roxie who?
Roxie horrow picture show!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rufus!
Rufus who?
Rufus leaking and I'm getting wet!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Russia!
Russia who?
Russia though you meal and you'll be sick!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ruth!
Ruth who?
Ruth of the matter is!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sabina!
Sabina who?
Sabina a long time since I've seen you!
What's the difference
What's the difference between light and hard?
You can't go to bed with the light on.
Constipation Remedy
A Bama Graduate was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.
A week later the grad complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results. "Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.
"What do you think I've been doing," the grad said, "Shoving them up my ass!"
Nicknames for Georgie
Three women sitting in a bar having a drink. Their boyfriends are all named Georgie.
One day they decide to name their boyfriends after softdrinks to tell the difference between them.
The first one says "I'll name mine 7-up because he's seven inches and always up."
The second one says "I'll name mine MOUNTAIN DEW because he likes to mount and do me."
And the third one says "I'll name mine Jack Daniels."
The others say "Hey! That's not a softdrink that's a hard licker!".
She says "That's My Georgie!!"
Old age sex
A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex.
He asked, "How often should you have it?"
His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.
Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.
When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?"
His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
"Well," grandpa said, "she goes to bed in her room, and I go to bed in my room.
And she yells, 'Fuck you', and I holler back, 'Fuck you too.' "
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
En alg�n restaurante de la
En alg�n restaurante de la ciudad, entra un hombre a comer. Se le acerca el mesero y le pregunta que se va a servir. El hombre le contesta, "Deme la cuchara por favor."
El mesero, asombrado, se la entrega, y el hombre la huele y le dice: "Hay arroz con pollo, �verdad?"
El mesero se asombra y le dice que s� y le sirve el plato.
Al d�a siguiente, entra el mismo hombre al restaurante, y le pide nuevamente la cuchara al mesero, �ste se la da, el hombre la huele y le dice: "Hay arroz con menestra, �verdad?"
El mesero le dice que s� y le sirve el plato. Al otro d�a el mesero ve que el hombre va a entrar al restaurante y le pide a Mechita que se pase la cuchara por la vagina. Cuando se sienta el hombre, el mesero le dice: "La cuchara, �verdad?"
Cuando el hombre la huele dice: "Mesero, aqu� trabaja Mechita �verdad?"
Bloopers - Part 6
More delightful verbal prattfalls gleaned from Kermit Schafer's
book "Blunderful World of Bloopers."
_________________________________________________________________
Aba Daba Honeymoon:
An emcee interviewed a young couple who had just come from being
married at a Justice of the Peace. He asked, "What is it like to
be married?" The blushing bride replied, "I can't say.....it
hasn't sunk in properly yet."
Happy holidays:
On behalf of all station personnel, we want to wish you season's
greetings and a happy and preposterous New Year!"
Make an offer:
Political candidate - "If I'm elected, I can promise you the
best government money can buy."
No class:
Teacher - "And now class, we come to the moment we have all been
waiting for....a strip film....ooops...I mean a film strip on
farming."
Taken to the cleaners:
Ad for a dry cleaning service - Ladies who drop off their
clothes will receive prompt attention.
Good thing it's radio:
And now we present the homely friend-maker.
Bring the bacon:
During WWII, women saved drippings and fat from cooking to be
recycled. This is when an announcer came up with this double
entendre - "Ladies, bring your fat cans down to the corner
butcher."
Playboy holiday:
Emcee - Ma'am, what would be your reaction if your husband told
you he was going on a two week fishing trip with a bunny.....I
mean buddy!"
Give 'em an inch:
Emcee - What are you doing in the city?
Contestant - I'm on my honeymoon.
Emcee - Are you enjoying it?
Contestant - Yes, every inch of it.
Meanwhile, down on the farm:
The chairwoman of the County Breeders Association had announced
plans to show her calves to any interested farmers.
Don't miss it:
Due to the following special program, "The Invisible Man" will
not be seen tonight.
Binoculars ready:
Newscaster - The streakers are at it again and I can't
understand this type of behavior. I guess it's just a way to
show you're nuts!"
Elongated penis
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file.
"Your father's the reason for your elongated penises ?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother?" the doctor asked. "You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Airline Food
It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner."What are my choices?" he asked.She replied, "Yes or No."
Q: How many Contras
Q: How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb?A: One, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians, and Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and Oliver North to help him.Note: Topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Bus Blondes
Two blondes were waiting for their buses. One of them was waiting for the bus number one and the other one for the bus number seven. In the meantime, the bus number seventeen came. One of them exclaimed: "Oh, great! Now we can go together!"
Why are the streets of
Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?
So the German soldiers can march in the shade.
French Computers
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine."House," in French, is feminine-"la mansion." "Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon." One puzzled student asked, "...What gender is computer?..." The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won.
Time Catches Up
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."
Five Reasons Santa Must Be A Woman
Five Reasons Why Santa must be a Woman...
1. First of all, Santa "remembers" it's Christmas.
2. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
3. Only a woman would come up with a silly red pantsuit
and matching belt to boot!
4. No guy would ever name his animals Rudouph, Dancer,
Prancer, Glizten, etc.. Sissy names....
5. Nobody has ever seen Santa leaking off a roof...
Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts,
*still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.
Masked Orgy
Many years ago, this man decided to go to a masked orgy with the
knowledge that his wife would probably be out of town. Having
not been to one since his bachelor party many years ago, he was
excited and nervous. He eventually dressed as a knight, and
arrived with high hopes.
When the man arrived, he saw that he was the only one dressed as
anything like what he was, so he was naturally embarassed.
However, the women were all over him, thinking that his costume
was so cute. One woman in particular was hanging around him.
Dressed in a raccoon costume, an old fetish of his for fur
attracted him to her.
"I hope you don't mind my costume," she said. "Don't worry, I
have a thing for fur," replied the man. "Do you want to go to
bed?" he added. The woman said, "Yep, my husband doesn't need to
know about this." To this, the man said, "Yeah, I cheat on my
wife all the time, and ignorance is bliss."
The two people went into a back room and started going at it in
their costumes. They then went their separate ways for awhile
and enjoyed the party. Two hours later, the man approached the
woman.
"I had so much fun tonight... do you want to do it again
sometime?" he asked. "Of course!" replied the excited woman,
"here's my phone number... be careful about my husband." She
proceeded to give him his phone number.
The man bit his lip. "That can't be. That's MY phone number.
Unless... HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE MY WIFE!"
Knock KnockWho's there?Maxine!Maxine who?Maxine the
Knock KnockWho's there?Maxine!Maxine who?Maxine the wave dude!
U.S. Bombing Campaign
U.S. TO BEGIN BOMBING ENGLAND UNLESS PEACE ACCORD IS RATIFIED BY ENGLAND AND
BREAKAWAY PROVINCE OF N. IRELAND
The White House -- President Clinton announced today that an all out bombing
offensive against England will begin in two weeks, unless a peace accord is
ratified by England and its breakaway province of Northern Ireland. Along with
liberating Northern Ireland, the President said that all British culinary
institutes would be fair game for bombing. After the attack, NATO peace keeping
troops will be sent in to ensure that all dentists can operate safely and
without the threat of attack.
"Using the fine logic we crafted in the Kosovo intervention, we have decided
to add, incrementally, to the list of peace initiatives around the world," he
said in a prepared statement.
A background briefing indicated that on a weekly schedule, the Clinton
administration would intervene in the following areas:
Week one -- Bombing of England to free Northern Ireland, and to destroy the
legendarily bad cuisine fabrication facilities.
Week two -- Bombing of Ankara, Baghdad and Teheran to free the Kurds. Oh yeah,
let us not forget all of the oil reserves we would gain.
Week three -- Bombing of several random African countries to stop the Hutus
from killing Tutsis.
Week four -- Bombing of both Istanbul and Athens to solve the Cyprus problem,
and end the argument over whether Socrates was actually homosexual or not.
Week five -- Bombing of Madrid to free the Basque Country, also to shut up the
people at PETA because one target would be the bull fighting rings.
Week six -- Bombing of Ottawa to free the Quebecois.
Week seven -- Bombing of Jakarta to free the Timor Islands.
Week eight -- Bombing of Switzerland because it is due time that they were
bullied.
Week nine -- Bombing of Paris to free Corsica, and those wishing to use
deodorant and razors.
Week ten -- Bombing of Washington, DC to free the Confederate of Southern
States, held captive for 139 years, and to free up more Senate seats for Hillary
to possibly run for.
Week eleven -- Bombing of North Dakota so that South Dakota might finally be
recognized as a "real" state.
"This schedule will do until we can come up with others," said Madeline
Albright, Secretary of State. When asked whether or not the US would bomb
Beijing in order to free Tibet she responded, "Something that practical would
never be on a military agenda."
The whole world could be happy
Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans.Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy."Hillary: "Well, why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy."Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy."Tipper: "Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy."
Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com
yo momma
yo momma is so poor i saw her walkin down the street with one
shoe on and i said"did you know you lost a shoe"she said"no i
found one.
yo momma is so fat she walked out with a yellow shirt on and
everyone ran back in thereand said "how did the sun get so
close"?
yo momma is so ugly when her mom got on the bus the bus driver
said"what the hell is that" and she went to the back ofthe bus
an one of the people said"can i pet the monkey"?
You have been warned!!!!
The following are excerpts from various American medical journals.....prepare
yourself, they are pretty amazing (But all are True)
INNER SKELETON
A 63-year-old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil,suffering
abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20-inch long skeleton of
a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the
womb and was never
expelled from her body.
FEMALE SOFA
500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in the hospital. During the
examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found
under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the
folds of her vulva.
OUCH!
A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloodied
restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers
around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out
that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under
the
table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an
epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's member and wrench it
from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed
her in the head until she let go.
SEX EDUCATION
a Californian doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asked her if
she was sexually active. She said that she wasn't.
A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said that she
was not sexually active, the woman replied "I'm not, I just lie there." When
asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled look she replied, "No.
Who?
BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while
trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway,
but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but
without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did
not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the
membrane of his cornea.
GROWING SEASON
An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines growing from her
vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato trapped in her womb. The woman
then suddenly remembered that she had inserted it two weeks previously, because
she thought that her uterus was falling out.
PRICKLY PAIR
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He
complained that his wife had "a rat in her vagina" and it bit him during sex.
After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle
left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
LAST STAND
A Cambridge man hobbled into the ER complaining of a permanent erection. He
admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he frequented many brothels,
and in one he was given some erectile cream to keep him hard. He was told to use
it sparingly.
However, since he was having so much fun, he kept using more and more. By the
time he came to the ER, all the blood vessel in his penis were swollen and his
testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except prescribe pain
killers, and told
him that it would return to flaccidity in a few days. They also told him to
enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going to be his last.
CALL THE BUM SQUAD!
A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a
hemorrhoid problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the man's anus
and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell. On this
occasion, the shell got stuck.
Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell was still
live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal squad, who built a lead
box around the man's anus to defuse the shell so it could be removed.
There are a Frenchman, an
There are a Frenchman, an Englishman, a German and a Jew on a
plane, and about half way through their flight the captain reports that
there are engine troubles, and in order to stay in the air the plane must
lose some weight. After the baggage is dropped, the plane is still too
heavy.
The frenchman, being full of pride for his country, opens the
plane door and says "Viva la France" and jumps out. Still too heavy.
The Englishman says "For my Queen and country" and jumps out, but
the plane is still too heavy.
The German says "For the Fatherland" and pushes the Jew out.
Do it again
One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to Inverness.
Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. He's built like a wardrobe and despite the wind and near-freezing temperatures, is only wearing a kilt and a tweed shirt.
At the roadside there also stands a beautiful young woman, slim, shapely, a heart stopper.
The driver's attention is drawn from the woman when the highlander opens the car door and drags the man onto the road.
"Right, you," shouts the highlander, "I want you to masturbate."
"But...." stammers the driver. "Now.... or I'll bloody kill you."
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this only takes a few seconds.
"Right," says the highlander, "Do it again!"
"But...." stammers the driver.
"Now! yells the highlander.
So the driver pulls himself off again.
"Right, do it again," demands the highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours.
The poor man has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw and despite the icy wind, has collapsed in a sweating, gibbering heap on the ground.
"Do it again," says the highlander.
"I can't," whimpers the driver. "You'll just have to kill me."
The highlander looks down at this pathetic wreck of a man slumped at his feet.
"All right," he says, "NOW you can give my daughter a lift into Inverness"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Oj simpson
QUESTION : what did oj simpson say after he was found not guilty
"CAN I HAVE MY GLOVES BACK NOW?"
Best Thing about Having Alzheimer's
What is the best thing about having Alzheimer's?
You get to meet new people everyday!
Three Blondes And A Brunette
One day,3 blondes and a brunette were hanging over a cliff from a rope that could only hold 3 people,the brunette said,I will let go!.
And the three blondes started clapping.
Everyone has a photographic memory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. But some folks don't have film. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Color
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Redneck quickies 33
You might be a redneck if...When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into "America's Most Wanted".You own more than two clappers.You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents. Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife's car, but no blade. You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it. You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool. You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool. Your pickup truck no longer has a back. The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day.The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels "over yonder in them hills."Your mustache is longer than your wife's hair. Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook. Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips. Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip net. City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.You think Tang is in the fruit group. You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC's.You've ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.
How does a blonde commit suicide?...
How does a blonde commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
All You Can Drink
A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half. Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?" "Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."
5 things to do to annoy people
1. Go up to them and say , " Do you know what the most annoying
sound in the world is ? EOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ! "
2. Stare at them until they can absolutly not take it any more !
3. Tap them on the shoulder , and every time they look at you ,
say , " Does this bother you ? "
4. Put your two index fingers on the back of there heads , and
slowly raise them up , saying , " I'm a martion from outter
space ! And i'm here to get you ! "
5. Ask them to tie your shoe . When they do , tell them , " That
isn't good enough ! Do it again ! " And say it in a real serious
voice .
Finding The Car
A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. 'What the heck are you doing ?' he asks the drunk. 'I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it.' he replies. 'So how does feeling the roof help you ?' asks the puzzled manager.'Well,' replies the drunk earnestly, 'MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!'.
Bill and Monica different
How are Bill and Monica different?
One won't come clean and the other won't clean cum.
That's not fair
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.
As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer making love to a beautiful woman.
"That's not fair," he complained. "I face torment for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it making love to a beautiful woman."
"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question her punishment?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
hi waz up how r u all doin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...
hi waz up how r u all doin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am kate who r u.
Team doing badly
Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the Month" isn't an award!
It's an appointment !
Legalese
Definition of a Lawyer: A person who puts two men into a fight and runs off
with their clothes.
12 Good Things about Burning the Turkey
1. Salmonella won�t be a concern.
2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.
3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.
5. Pets won�t bother to pester you for scraps.
6. No one will overeat.
7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.
8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
9. You�ll get to the desserts even quicker.
10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
11. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
12. You won�t have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
Suzy Brown (funny)
There once was a girl named suzy brown who thought no body could
lay her down. Over the hill came pissball pete with forty feet
of swinging meat. He took here in the long green grass, suck his
dick right up her ass. Suzy brown let go a fart blew his balls
forty feet apart. Over the hill came pissball pete with forty
feet of Shredded meat.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Dos barcos estaban atracados en
Dos barcos estaban atracados en un puerto. Una embarcaci�n era de Tontilandia y la otra inglesa. Todas las noches desde el barco brit�nico se escuchaba un llamado:
"�Manolo, Manolo, Manolo!"
Y un tontiland�s respond�a:
"�Qu� pasa?"
"�La concha de tu hermana!", replicaban desde el otro barco.
"�Co�o, no puede ser! �Put�sima madre!"
El hombre del barco ingl�s continu� con sus llamados y Manolo respondi�ndole. Dos semanas despu�s, Manolo harto de esa situaci�n le comenta el hecho al capit�n, y �ste le aconseja:
"Mira, cuando veas gente en el otro barco grita: Smith, Smith, y luego le dices lo que quieras".
"Gracias, capit�n", agradece Manolo entusiasmado.
Entonces sale a cubierta y grita a todo pulm�n:
"�Smith, Smith!"
"�Qui�n lo llama?", preguntan desde la otra nave.
"Manolo".
"�La concha de tu hermana!"
What did the black kid
What did the black kid say as he slid down the zebra's leg?
Now you see me now you dont! Now you see me now you don't!
Arthritis?
A man came hobbling into the doctor's waiting room, assisted by his wife. The poor bloke could hardly move. He was bent over and grimacing with pain as he shuffled along, his hands like two rigid claws.
The receptionist looked on sympathetically. "Oh dear," she said. "Arthritis with complications?"
"No," said the bloke's wife. "Do-it-yourself with concrete blocks."
Make up Her Mind
Your mama is so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead so she could make
up her mind.
Knock KnockWho's there?Adelia!Adelia who?Adelia the
Knock KnockWho's there?Adelia!Adelia who?Adelia the cards and we'll play snap!
Siblings......
Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.
Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!"
Super man
a guy is sitting at a bar on the 35 floor of a skyscraper and orders a tall mug of beer. he gulps it down and jumps out the window! five minutes later he comes back and orders another mug of bear and jumps out the window. another five minutes later he comes back and orders another beer and drinks it. he starts running to jump out the window and a guy yells wait. the guy stops and the man who called him asked how he jumps out the window and dosnt get hurt. he replies"you drink some beer and it creates bubbles in your stomach letting you float safly to the ground" the other guy now orders a beer and jumps out the window. then the bartender says to the original guy " Superman your mean when your drunk."
Believe in genies
A couple went golfing one day at a very, very exclusive course lined with million-dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned,
'Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair.'
Of course, she teed off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed.
'I warned you to watch out. Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost.'
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said,
'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch said,
'Are you the people that broke the window?'
'Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'0H!, no apology is necessary.
Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
'Now that you've released me I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.'
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem, it's the least I can do. And you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie said looking at the wife.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said.
'And what's your wish, genie?' they asked in unison.
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said,
'Gee, honey, you know we now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said,
'Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind.'
The genie took the woman upstairs and ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both had been satisfied repeatedly, and as the genie rolled over he looked at the wife and asked,
'How old is your husband?'
'He's 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No shit! Thirty-five years old and that idiot still believes in genies?'
Sleeping Beauty
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am
the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty. "No, you're
not�, answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. "I am the smallest person in the world,"
shouted Tom Thumb. "No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan. "I've
had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan. "No, you
haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty. Well, they decided that if the
three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin,
clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and
summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one
at a time. Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming
"I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so�. In went Tom Thumb
and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am the smallest person in
the world, Merlin agrees." In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an
hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who
the hell is Bill Clinton?"
Mexican gas
What's a "feel-up"?
It's what you get at a Mexican gas station.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Aggie Nativity
How come Texas A&M couldn't put on a nativity scene? Because they couldnt find three wise men or a virgin!
Baking A Cake
A little girl and mother walk into the house to catch the girl's older brother having sex on the couch with his girl. The girl looks in amazement and asks her mother what her brother was doing. The mother replied "He baking a cake honey." And sends her upstairs while she talks to the brother about his actions. While in her room, the girl turns on the tv. She flips through the channels to discover on National Geographic two lions having sex. She call to her mother from her room yelling "Mommy come quick, i need to show you something." The mother rushes upstairs not knowing what to expect."Yes dear," the mother replies. "Mommy are the lions baking a cake too?" the little girl amazed at what she had learned. The mother with a sigh agreed,"yes dear, they are baking a cake too." That morning the little girl came down stairs for breakfast and to ask a question."Mommy can i ask you a question?" "Yes dear," the mother replied. "Okay, did you and daddy bake a cake last night?" the girl asked with little to no hesitation. "Yes honey, Why?" the mother replied worried that her little girl had seen something. "Okay good cause I lick the icing off the sheets."
3 babies talking.
There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping carts in the grocery store check-out line.
The first little baby says, "Ugh, look at this - my mom just bought strained plums!"
The second baby says, "You think that's bad - my mom just bought strained peas!"
And the third baby says... "You think you guys got it bad?
How would you like to share a breast with a guy that smokes cigars!"
Viajaban tres monjas en un
Viajaban tres monjas en un avi�n y una dice: "En mi pueblo tenemos unas naranjas as� de grandes." Y acompa�a sus palabras con un gesto de las manos.
La otra dice: "Pues en mi pueblo tenemos unos pl�tanos as� de largos." Y hace el gesto con las manos.
La otra monjita, que era sorda, dice: "�Ya s� de que hablais! �De los cojones del padre Camilo!"
A brain goes to a local bar
A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you.""Why not?" askes the brain."You're already out of your head."
Things You'll Never Hear in Church
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational min. salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
The Family Dentist
A husband and wife enter a dentist`s office. The Wife says, "I want a
tooth pulled. I don`t want gas or novocain because I`m in a terrible
hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You`re a brave woman," says the dentist, "Now, show me which tooth it
is."
The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the
dentist which tooth it is, dear."
Elephant Man
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. How do you breathe through that thing?
How to cut off a blonde's ears:
To cut off a blonde's ears, put razor blades on each shoulder and ask the blond a question.
Automatically the blonde will shake her head from shoulder to shoulder saying "I don't know."
Misdirected Doubts
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer. Unfortunately, he mistyped the address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the widow of a recently deceased minister.
The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.
When her family finally revived her and asked her what had happened, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."
It's possible that my whole
It's possible that my whole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.
-Ashleigh Brilliant
He Said - She Said
He Said...She Said:
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
She said..."No problem, I'll get you some that is."
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'
He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said...No, have you?
He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
Chemistry song 08
Test Tubes Bubbling(to the tune of "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire")Test tubes bubbling in a water bathStrong smells nipping at ypur nose.Tiny molecules with their atoms all aglowWill find it hard to be inert tonight.They know that Chlorine's on its wayHe's loaded lots of little electrons on his sleighAnd every student's slide rule is on the slyTo see if the teacher really can multiply.And so I offer you this simple phraseTo chemistry students in this roomAlthough it's been said many times, many waysMerry molecules to you.
There once was a priest
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered
hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started
advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.
"It's O.K.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where
in the Bible it says it's okay.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where
someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out!"
Bart Simpson's Chalkboard Archive
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
I will not instigate revolution.
I will not draw naked ladies in class.
I did not see Elvis.
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".
Garlic gum is not funny.
They are laughing at me, not with me.
I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not fake my way through life.
Tar is not a plaything.
I will not Xerox my butt.
It's potato, not potatoe.
I will not trade pants with others.
I am not a 32 year old woman.
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
I will not drive the principal's car.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not sell school property.
I will not burp in class.
I will not cut corners.
I will not get very far with this attitude.
I will not belch the National Anthem.
I will not sell land in Florida.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
I will not do anything bad ever again.
I will not show off.
I will not sleep through my education.
I am not a dentist.
Spitwads are not free speech.
Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
High explosives and school don't mix.
I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
I will not squeak chalk.
I will finish what I sta
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
Q: How many Lacanians
Q: How many Lacanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Three-one to do it, one to desire it, and the ignorant Other.Note: Jacques Lacan (1901-82) was a prominent French psychoanalyst and theorist who is very influential with literary critics at the moment. This relates to his theories.)
A horse breeder story
This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Servicing Gas
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realised the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Ocean Mamma
Your moms so fat that when she walks past anaquareim the whales start singing " We are family with my big fat mommy and me!!!"
I Like Monkeys
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Goddamn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
25 signs you've had too much to drink
1)You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3) Job interfering with you're drinking.
4) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5) Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8) 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case - coincidence?
9) Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10) You can focus better with one eye closed.
11) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
13) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
14) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
15) At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
16) Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
17) The whole bar says 'Hi' when you walk in.
18) You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and
Women
19) Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and
more attractive.
20) Roseanne looks good.
21) Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
22) That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
23) Senator's Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
24) "I'm as jobber as a sedge."
25) The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
Famous last words
*Don't be silly, it isn't loaded.
*I CAN FLY!
*Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
*Yes, the barrel of your shotgun is very clean.
*What's in this dark cave ?
*"Oh, they're free? I'll take ten!" - Moses
*No, I'm sure they cleaned out this mine field years ago.
*Safety harness?
*Wait, I thought he was with you!
*What greencard?
*Hey, what's this switch?
*Don't move, you'll trip the sensors.
*Yes, I'm single.
*No, this cannot be, I am invincible!
*So, you're sure this isn't loaded?
*Calm down, of course I disarmed it!
*What, I never signed any organ donor papers!
*Well, it can't get any worse!
*C'mon! This CAN'T be the self-destruct button. If it was, they wouldn't leave it lying around like this where anyone could push it!
*Don't worry, they'll never find us in here!
*William, is that you?
*They can't hit us at this range!
*All you have to do is connect these two wires.
*There's only one way to find out...
*Hey, when it comes to driving on snow and ice, I'm the best there is.
*These pills are awfully small.. I'll take a few more to be sure they work.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Road accident with Clinton
Bill Clinton and his driver are in a hurry, so they are speeding past several farms. On their way past one of the farms Bill's driver hits a pig. He stops the car and decides he had better tell the owners.Bill waits in the car all night and the driver doesn't come back until the next morning. Bill says, "what did they do to you?" The driver replies, "they gave me a good meal and they told me to sleep with their daughter. They tried to give me fruit for the road, but I had to say no. " Bill says, Wow! What did you say to them? The driver replies, All I said was "I'm Bill Clinton's driver and I killed the pig."
Ouch that hurt... or does it?
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "Sir, I'm really concerned... I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Yes, doctor, but she's a great cook and really good with the kids..."
The neighborhood dogs are afraid
The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
Dios llama a Ad�n y
Dios llama a Ad�n y le dice:
"Hijo, tengo una noticia buena y otra mala."
"La buena primero", contesta Ad�n.
Dios responde: "Te voy a hacer dos regalos: un cerebro y un pene."
"�Fant�stico!... �y la mala?"
"Es que no tienes suficiente sangre como para hacer funcionar los dos al mismo tiempo."
The Top 16 Things TopFive Contributors Have to Be Thankful For
16> Auto mechanics who don't ask how the barbecue sauce got into my engine oil.
15> Suppression of our e-mail addresses means we're not constantly inundated by messages from humor-starved supermodels.
14> After memorizing those funny hurricane names, I'm always the life of the party!
13> Despite the revenue hit Chris has taken with the drop in Internet advertising, he still only charges us $2,500 a year to be contributors.
12> We only need to be half as funny as the Top Ten writers.
11> If it weren't for TopFive, I would never get laid. Come to think of it, I never get laid anyway, but at least with TopFive, I can hold on to the false hope.
10> That all the dates from hell I endure will make a great chapter in my eventual VH-1 biography.
9> At long last, the glorious return of Alf to television!
8> Soft summer rains, the musical laugh of a child... and Britney Spears getting sluttier by the minute.
7> With all the valuable skills I'm learning, one day I, too, might become President of the United States.
6> The Statute of Limitations.
5> Well, you know that feeling of exhilaration combined with relief that you get when you pop a big fat zit?
4> Mom's three jobs and arthritis won't stop her from cooking up a 27-course feast and serving it to me on the couch so I don't have to miss any football.
3> J.Lo took that needy, clingy Ben Affleck off my hands.
2> Chris always fixes hour spelling, grammer and punctuation so, we dont look stupid.
1> I'm thankful that I live in a great nation where I can still disagree with the government without fear of the Homeland Security DepartIPpa*)#^%#8000 NO CARRIER
Won't Be Needing These Nikes Anymore
A man lying on a stretcher in the emergency room asks the doctor if he'll be
okay. The doctor turns to him and says, "Well, there is good and bad news."
"Tell me the bad news" says the man.
"Well," says the doctor, "the bad news is that we are going to half to cut
both your legs off."
"Oh my God," cries the man, "what the hell is the good news?"
"The good news is," replies the doctor, "see that man over there? He wants to
buy your shoes."
Take off what!!!
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice.
He had always hated Math, so, he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
He asked her, "If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
She replied, "Everything but my earrings."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Q: How many blondes
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Duh.... whats a lightbulb???
The Leprechaun Of The Hand
A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands."A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away," the boy said. He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands."A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands."A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands."A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!" "Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him."
Q: How many Arians
Q: How many Arians does it take to change a light bulb?A: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
People...
- People
- Some make things happen, some watch things happen,
and the majority has no idea what's happened.
Calm Down
There's this guy who goes into a psychiatrist and says "Hey, doc, you gotta help me out - I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee - I can't figure it out I go back and forth: I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam"
-- and the psychiatrist says "Look, relax - you're just two tents."
When I go to heaven,
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have
lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
Liars
A bus of politicians is driving by a farm where a man lives alone.
The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. The man comes out and finding the politicians, buries them.
The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the man.
"So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"
To which the man replied, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."
ONLY KIDS UNDER 13
HEY SON WHAT ARE YOU DOING?ASKED DAD
IME JUST PLAYING ? SAID SON
PLAYING WITH WHAT?ASKED DAD
IME PLAYING WITH MY PENIS?SAID SON
WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING WITH YOUR PENIS?ASKED DAD
JUST MASTRUBATING.SAID SON
CAN I JOIN IN?ASKED DAD
WHAT CAN YOU DO?ASKED SON
I CAN SUCK IT? SAID DAD
SURE I HAVE MY NAKED FRIENDS WITH ME SAID THE 13 YEAR OLD SON
NO PROBLEM, I CAN SUCK ALL OF YOUR COCKS.SAID DAD
HOW MANY FRIENDS DO YOU HAVE ASKED DAD?
JUST 12 FRIENDS SAID SON
The three spelling words
there was this boy and he wa in kindergarden and his teacher told the class that thier homework was to go home and find three word to add to thier spelling list and the boy wa walking home he seen this girl said to her said to her brother shut up and then he seen this guy say to his girlfriend come on baby lets go then he seen some kid say superman then he said ok i have my three words for tomarrow.so the next day his teacher said timmy what is your three words he said shut up the teacher said yound man do you want to go to the principles office he said come on baby lets go she said who do you thank you are he aid superman!!!!!!!!!!!
If Microsoft made cars...
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors
addressed this comment by releasing the statement:
"Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a
new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and
fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason,
you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought
"Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five
percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to
their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a
single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summer�s suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in
strict rotation.
Desert Island
Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.
El marido sale del ba�o
El marido sale del ba�o desnudo y empieza a subir a la cama, cuando su mujer se queja diciendo como siempre:
"Tengo dolor de cabeza".
"Perfecto, casualmente estaba en el ba�o espolvore�ndome el pene con aspirina. La puedes tomar oral o como supositorio... �c�mo tu quieras!"
Everyone has a photographic memory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film.
Hit man
there was a guy looking to hire a hit man he had three peolple to interview 2 men and a women the interviwer said"take this gun and go in that room and shoot who ever is in there" so the man went in then came back out and said"that is my wife i there i cant shoot my wife" so he was out it was time for the next person to undergo the test he was given the same instructions so he went in then came back out and said"imy wife is in there i cant shoot my wife who do u think i am " so it was up to the women she entered the room thenn u here a BANG BANG then there was CRASH and screaming then she returned from the room and she said "u didnt tell me there was blanks in the gun i had to kill him with the bloody chair !!!!!!
Pride
After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we all have nicknames for it.
So I named my private part pride......it's not much but at least I have my pride.
-Jay London
Pay the price
A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."
The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.
� Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."
The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again.
"What's going on here?" the man asks.
Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."
The stupid receptionist
There was a man who got a job as a hotel receptionist and his boss was giving him some tips the day before his very first shift on the phone.
One of the tips was: When showing the guests to their rooms, always be polite and say their names which is usually situated on the label on their suitcases.
After hearing this, he started his job the next day and led his first guests to their room. Remembering what his boss said, he looked at the label on their suitcase and said:
"Welcome to our hotel, we hope you enjoy your stay Mr and Mrs real leather!"
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
magic weapons
Bob was joining the army and they were handing out rifles when he arrived, so he got in line. When it got to Bob, they had run out of guns. The man issuing rifles gave him a broom ''This is a magic broom -- point it at anybody, say 'Bangity bangity bang,' and they will die.'' Bob was really worried because he didn't think it would work, but he got in line for bayonets, thinking he might stand a chance if he could stab them to death. As luck would have it, Bob's turn came and they had ran out. ''Don't worry.'' said the man issuing them out. ''I will give you this magic carrot -- point it at somebody, say 'Stabbity stabbity stab,' and they will die." Now Bob is terrified, going into battle with a broom and carrot, when the sirens go off, signaling invasion. Bob goes out, only to be laughed at by the enemy. One enemy even comes up to him, hoping to get a good shot at him. Well, Bob didn't have anything to lose so he pointed at him and said ''Bangity bangity bang!'' and the guy fell down dead. He did the same thing with the magic carrot. Amazed at what was happening, he continued to fight. Then, a guy came slowly up to him and he would not die. Bob tried to shoot and stab him, but he wouldn't die. The last words poor Bob heard as he was being trampled over were ''Tankity tankity tank.''
Question
Q.... What has 140 mile per hour winds and can drown you????
A.... A category 4 dental assistant.
Stuff around the world
Have you noticed that most people who want to save the forests,
are vegitarian.
All Gore was born exacly 9 months after the the aliens came to
Rosville, New Mexico.(it's a fact)
If you are a mexican baby, does that mean you came from New
Mexico.
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need your drivers
licence to buy beer?
Quick Thinker
Two guys in a pickup truck were driving home one day, when they see a dirt road that was big enough for only one vehicle. They debated a while whether or not to explore what was down there. In the end, they decided to go for it.
After driving down the road for a while, they saw a blonde standing on the side of the road. She asked for a ride, and they agreed, so she hopped in the back of truck. They continued driving down the road, when all of a sudden a semi-truck was coming right towards them. They swerved off the road and ended up in a river.
The two guys got out in time, but they didn't see the blonde. They started to think the worst and feared she died. A few minutes later, she suddenly appeared and they incredulously asked her what happened. She said, "I couldn't get the tailgate open."
A husband is someone who
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he
just cleaned the whole house.
Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com
Animal Crackers
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his mom asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
Back in the Closet
A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl, and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?" He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?" He answers, "Monica Lewinsky."There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"
Blondes are like...
Blondes are like vaccuum cleaners: They suck, they blow, and they get laid in a closet!Blondes are likes bowling balls: you pick them up, finger them, throw them in the gutter and they comd back for more!
Seagulls
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay, they would be called baygulls!
(baygull-bagel. ha ha ha.)
Retard Goes To School
its the first day of school and a retard has to take the bus the bus rolls by and the doors open and the kid says," r yoo gunah take mee tu skool todee" and the bus takes off with out the kid.
]
the next day the bus comes and the kid says "r yoo gunah take mee tu skool todee"
the bus takes off.
]
finally the mom comes with the kid to the bus stop and asks the driver why he keeps driving away with out the kid and the bus driver replys "B kause hez makin fune ov mee"
To Computer: Is there a God?
Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question, "IS THERE A GOD?"
Suddenly there was a loud crash, and in a brilliant explosion of silicon and plastic the computers fused into what appeared to the scientists to be one large computer in place of the many smaller ones.
One of the scientists raced to the printer as it finally output its answer.
"There is now", read the printout.
The Genie
A blonde was walking along the beach when she finds an old bottle floating in the water. The blonde goes over and picks it up and notices a cork in the top of the bottle. She pulls out the cork and a genie pops out.
"Thankyou for letting me out after 10000 years, stuck in that bottle and to say thankyou I will give you 3 wishes.
The blonde thinks for a little while and finally decides on her first wish.
"I would like to be 10% smarter"
The genie does her magic and she is turned into a red head.
"I don't think I am smart enough yet, I would like to be 100% smarter than what I am"
So the Genie does her magic a second time and she turns in to a brunette.
"I don't think I am smart enough yet I would like to be 1000% smarter than what I am"
So the genie turns her into a man!
I own the fastest car
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000.""That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?""Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?""Sure" replies the owner.So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"The old man replies "yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"
Fun things for professors to do on the first day of class
21. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.22. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.23. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song. 24. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer. 25. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear. 26. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it. 27. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board. 28. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz. 29. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth. 30. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
What is on Bill Gates' Mind?
Microsoft is at it again! All my life, when I read comics, I thought the
"zzzz" in those little balloons indicated someone was sleeping! Boy, did I
miss the boat, and it took me all these years to figure it out! All that
wasted time!
With the help of Bill Gates (the man who avoided changing the light bulb
by redefining darkness as the standard), I have, indeed, seen the light.
Now, I finally know what all those "sleeping" people in those comics had
on their minds!
If you want to see what I'm babbling about, start your Microsoft Word,
type in "zzzz" (without the quotes, of course) and hit the spell check.
Now you too can be enlightened.
Se encontraba Pepito en el
Se encontraba Pepito en el sal�n de clases, junto al resto de sus compa�eros.
Llega la maestra y les informa:
"Ni�os, tengo que salir un momento, en cuanto regrese, quiero que todos hayan hecho un dibujo del �rgano reproductor masculino."
La maestra se retira del sal�n; Pepito prestamente corre a verificar que la maestra est� lejos. Al ver que ya se hab�a ido, se baja el pantal�n y se dirige a la clase:
��Avancen, ni�as, copien, copien!"
Don't make a fool out
Don't make a fool out of me - I'm doing OK by myself!
Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com
Why Santa Has No Kids
Why doesn't Santa have any children?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.
�Suicidal Blonde "
A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her index finger shot
off.
How did this happen? The doctor asked.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the Blonde replied.
"Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?"
"No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, I just paid $6,000
for these boobs. Then I put it in my mouth and thought, I just paid $3,000 to
get my teeth straightened. Then I put the gun in my ear, and thought this is
going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled
the trigger."
Where the men are men
Q: At [Insert Geography you hate here], they've found another use for sheep.A: Wool
Best bait
Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with no luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave, when a guy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts pulling out fish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water.
Bob can't believe it, he yells over " whats your secret?"
"woogatkakeptewrwm" he answers back.
"what did you say?" replies Bob.
The man spits a large ball of worms on the ice and says to Bob, " you have to keep your worms warm".
Limerick contest
This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the words
Lewinski and Kaczynski in a limerick. Here are the 3 winners. Entry # 1 There
once was a gal named Lewinsky Who played on a flute like Stravinsky 'Twas "Hail
to the Chief" on this flute made of beef that stole the front page from
Kaczynski. Entry # 2 Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky We don't want to
leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you look such a mess, use the hem of your
dress And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky. Entry # 3 Lewinsky and Clinton
have shown what Kaczynski must surely have known: that an intern is better than
a bomb in a letter given the choice of how to be blown.
Picnic
Man: "Do you know the difference between a penis and a chicken leg?"
Woman: "No."
Man: "Well, do you want to go for a picnic?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
These aren't Murphy's Laws but some of them should be
"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"The Law of Motivation"
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
"Boob's Law"
You always find something in the last place you look.
"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.
"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.
"Law of Drunkedness"
You can't fall off the floor.
"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.
"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.
"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
Hole in one!
Bill goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"
The guy says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."
The guy's wife says, "That's terrible!"
The guy says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie..."
That dirty!
Sue and Jane are shopping together at the supermarket.
When they get to the vegetables, Sue hefts a good sized potato in each hand and says, "You know, Jane, these remind me of John's balls."
Jane, impressed says, "Hmm, that big, huh?"
"No", Sue answers. "That dirty."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Friday, January 25, 2013
Armed Sleeper
Down in Arkansas, they say that custom has changed little.
Many a man still sleeps with a battle-axe by his side.
The Pope And Clinton
After a meeting with the Pope, Bill Clinton held a press conference
and announced that they had a very successful conference and had
agreed on about 60% of what they discussed.
When asked what they discussed, Clinton replied: "The Ten
commandments."
Say That Again
It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.
When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband's lawyer arose and said, "Isn't it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?"
She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.
Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, "What was that date again ?"
3 Men & 3 wishes!
There were three men walking through the woodsone day, and they
came across a clearing with a slide in it, with a genie perched
on top. The genie said to the three men,
"I will grant each of you this: whatevery liquid you shout out
as you go downm this slide, will appera in a huge glass at the
bottom and you will fall into it."
The first man goes whoosing down the slide shouting
"BBBEEEEEEERRR!!!!"
He landed in a glass of beer.
The second man speeds down shouting:
"LEMONADEEEEE!!!!"
He lands in a glass of lemonade.
The third man also slides down, shouting
"WWWHHHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.125. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."
A Boy Discovers Breasts
A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.
"Mommy! Mommy! What are those?" He says, pointing to her breasts.
"Well, son," she explains, "These are ballons, and when you die, they inflate
and float you up to heaven.
Incredibly, he appears to believe his mother's story and goes off, quite
satisfied.
A few days later, the little boy comes running home to get his mother from the
kitchen.
Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Jenny is dying the boy screams.
What do you mean?" his mother asks.
Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her
balloons out, and Dad's trying to blow 'em up for her and she keeps yelling
'God, I'm coming!!'".
La pareja de reci�n casados
La pareja de reci�n casados est� en el hotel m�s que dispuesta a disfrutar de su primera noche juntos. El tipo, que tiene un miembro descomunal, saca un par de condones y un tarro de crema que coloca cerca de la cama, mientras la esposa, que lo espera en la cama dice:
"�Ay que lindo! �Me vas a poner cremita?"
"Cremita no, mi amor, �te voy a poner morada!"
Deadbeat in a Bar
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said �No thanks, I don't drink, I tried it once but I didn`t like it!� So the bartender said, �Well would you like a cigarette,� but the man said �No, I don't smoke, I tried it once but I didn`t like it!� The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said �No I don't like pool, I tried it once but I didn`t like it. As a matter of fact I wouldn`t be here at all, but I'm waiting on my son!� The bartender said, �Your only son I presume!!�
Shakespearian Computer Story
Through infinite myst, software reverberates
In code possess'd of invisible folly.
Wilt thou dare interface
With thy Apple Macintosh keypad
By toggling my tweaky bosom?
Alack!
Leave laserjet laughter to the laptop lover.
Behold beta beauty in a keyboard's keen kindness.
Now yet torment thy melancholy hardware
By always vexing the amorous flame
Of thine model motherboard.
This tyrant widget conceals scuzzy games
And pleasure treasured dear:
Then kiss me.
Celestial evil's idolatrous template within AOL
Will deceive some cybersex users
And email "cancel our service."
Tis a rare tongue
That many maiden bugs command,
Revealing bounteous distress,
Trashing bold memory:
Click and crash gloriously.
Weep not, beauteous Microsoft!
Hereafter reboot.
Pumpkin Fucker
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.
Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said Officer Taylor.
"I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. He just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,
A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"
Always listen to experts.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it.
Misspelled
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to
take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in
the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a
tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling
with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel,
chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said, after catching his breath,
"You scared us half to death! We thought you were a ghost! What
are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Terrorists attack
The terrorists have siezed the "Attorney Building" along with everyone in it.
They are demanding $10 Million.
But the negotiations break down as the deadline appears. The terrorists announce to the Police,
"In case you think we're not serious, if our demands aren't met, we're going to start releasing the lawyers, one at a time."
Toilet robbery
A man is standing at a urinal when he notices that a midget is watching him. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't really become uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs up, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
'Wow,' comments the midget, 'those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!'
Surprised, yet flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
'Listen, I know this is a rather strange request,' says the little fellow, 'but I wonder if you would mind if I touch them.'
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he complies with the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly,
'Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder.'
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