Signs from men

Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
A: He's breathing.

Add It Up: Relationship Guide

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the
world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something
she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are
subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry,
that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed. +1
you make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows.0
you throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. -1
you leave the toilet seat up. -5
you leave the toilet lid down. -10 after the lights is out. -30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty.0
when the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex. -1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.. -2
you go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings.. +5
But return with beer .. -5
you check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
you check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing.. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something.. +5
you pummel it with a six iron.. +10
it's her father.. -10

Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party.. 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking
buddy.. -2
Named Tiffany.. -4
Tiffany is a dancer.. -6
Tiffany has implants.. -8

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner.. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.. -2
and its all-you-can-eat night.. -3
it's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team.. -10

A Night Out With The Boys:

Go out with a pal .. -5
and the pal are happily married .. -4
or frighteningly single .. -7
and he drives a Mustang.. -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) .. -15

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie.. +2
you take her to a movie she likes.. +4
you take her to a movie you hate.. +6
you take her to a movie you like.. -2
it's called Death Cop 3.. -3
, which features cyber-having sex.. -9
you lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15

you�re Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly.. -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
you develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
shirts .. -30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"...-800

The Big Question:

She asks, "Do I look fat?" .. -5
you hesitate in responding.. -10
You reply, "Where?".. -35

Communication:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like
a concerned expression .. 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes.. +5
you listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.. +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep.. -20

Jockeying for Position

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.' His second friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.' Paddy says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.' Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. 'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.'

How is being at a singles bar different from...

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?

- At the circus the clowns don't talk.

Speical watch

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a good-looking woman and starts looking at his watch. The woman notices this and asks him if his date is late. "No," he replies. "I've just got this new state-of-the-art watch and I was just about to test it.""What does it do?""It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me.""What's it telling you now?""Well, it says you're not wearing a bra or panties.""Ha! Well it must be broken then, because I am!""Darn thing must be an hour fast."

How do old people have oral sex?...

How do old people have oral sex?

They talk about it.

A Blonde Hubby

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"To which the first replies, "Whoa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

Chaste for 10 years

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires. "I'm leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key."The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe, and takes one last look at his castle.He sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key."

Things men will never say part 2

11. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.

12. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?

13. What happened to my old Nancy Drew books?

14. Do these jeans come in lavender?

15. I love jogging dear, but I can't keep up with you. You go on
ahead.

16. This shower curtain doesn't have enough frills on it.

17. Damn, too bad this car isn't a four cylinder.

18. My butt's too big, don't lie, it's true. My butt's too big.

19. It's OK; I'll sleep in the wet spot.

20. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.