U.S. Bombing Campaign

U.S. TO BEGIN BOMBING ENGLAND UNLESS PEACE ACCORD IS RATIFIED BY ENGLAND AND
BREAKAWAY PROVINCE OF N. IRELAND

The White House -- President Clinton announced today that an all out bombing
offensive against England will begin in two weeks, unless a peace accord is
ratified by England and its breakaway province of Northern Ireland. Along with
liberating Northern Ireland, the President said that all British culinary
institutes would be fair game for bombing. After the attack, NATO peace keeping
troops will be sent in to ensure that all dentists can operate safely and
without the threat of attack.

"Using the fine logic we crafted in the Kosovo intervention, we have decided
to add, incrementally, to the list of peace initiatives around the world," he
said in a prepared statement.

A background briefing indicated that on a weekly schedule, the Clinton
administration would intervene in the following areas:

Week one -- Bombing of England to free Northern Ireland, and to destroy the
legendarily bad cuisine fabrication facilities.

Week two -- Bombing of Ankara, Baghdad and Teheran to free the Kurds. Oh yeah,
let us not forget all of the oil reserves we would gain.

Week three -- Bombing of several random African countries to stop the Hutus
from killing Tutsis.

Week four -- Bombing of both Istanbul and Athens to solve the Cyprus problem,
and end the argument over whether Socrates was actually homosexual or not.

Week five -- Bombing of Madrid to free the Basque Country, also to shut up the
people at PETA because one target would be the bull fighting rings.

Week six -- Bombing of Ottawa to free the Quebecois.

Week seven -- Bombing of Jakarta to free the Timor Islands.

Week eight -- Bombing of Switzerland because it is due time that they were
bullied.

Week nine -- Bombing of Paris to free Corsica, and those wishing to use
deodorant and razors.

Week ten -- Bombing of Washington, DC to free the Confederate of Southern
States, held captive for 139 years, and to free up more Senate seats for Hillary
to possibly run for.

Week eleven -- Bombing of North Dakota so that South Dakota might finally be
recognized as a "real" state.

"This schedule will do until we can come up with others," said Madeline
Albright, Secretary of State. When asked whether or not the US would bomb
Beijing in order to free Tibet she responded, "Something that practical would
never be on a military agenda."

Limerick contest

This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the words
Lewinski and Kaczynski in a limerick. Here are the 3 winners. Entry # 1 There
once was a gal named Lewinsky Who played on a flute like Stravinsky 'Twas "Hail
to the Chief" on this flute made of beef that stole the front page from
Kaczynski. Entry # 2 Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky We don't want to
leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you look such a mess, use the hem of your
dress And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky. Entry # 3 Lewinsky and Clinton
have shown what Kaczynski must surely have known: that an intern is better than
a bomb in a letter given the choice of how to be blown.

The Pope And Clinton

After a meeting with the Pope, Bill Clinton held a press conference
and announced that they had a very successful conference and had
agreed on about 60% of what they discussed.

When asked what they discussed, Clinton replied: "The Ten
commandments."

The Top 10 Surprises in Hilary Clinton's Lawyers' Notes

10.Keeps confusing Paula Jones with John Paul Jones.

9.Close friends with Siegfried, hardly speaks to Roy.

8.Wants to rename the US "Hilaryland."

7.Favorite book: "How to Get Along With Everyone," by Marge Shott.

6.The Health Care Plan? Roger's.

5.Has never seen identifying marks in Bill's pants.

4.Chelsea originally named "Socks."

3.Also requested women from Arkansas State Troopers.

2.Keeps Bill's genitals in a little glass jar on her dresser.

1.Loves cattle; hates Flowers.

The Top 13 Items on Newt Gingrich's To-Do List

13. Bribe college officials into letting me teach an ethics class.

12. Before turning in House MasterCard, book first class tickets for urgent fact-finding mission to Tahiti.

11. 1) Borrow another $300,000 from Bob Dole

2) Go to The Gap

3) Buy Trans Am

4) Grow goatee

5) Hire interns.

10. Switch to new, cooler nickname: "Salamander"

9. Now that I've got some time, put flowers on first wife's grave.

8. Nothing out of the ordinary: Write a few articles, make a couple of luncheon speeches, do some needlepoint.

7. Dismantle social programs: Done. Restructure tax laws to further benefit the wealthy: Done. Have democratically-elected President impeached for getting some: ...Damn!

6. Put a stop payment on most recent check to Paula Jones.

5. Retain lawyer for breach of contract suit against Satan.

4. Promote newest book: "Quitting for Dummies"

3. Reduce dosage of mean-bastard pills.

2. Call Limbaugh and Buchanan about "3 Windbags" mega-tour.

1. Tell Democrats that their lips "can make a contract with my ass."

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]

You might be a Republican if...

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

Linda Tripp and and Ken

Linda Tripp and and Ken Starr were cruising along a country road one
evening when a cow ran in front of the car. Ken tried to avoid it but
couldn't.

The cow was killed.

Linda told Ken to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what
happened. About an hour later he staggered back to the car with his
clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a
cigar in the other and smiling happily.

"What happened?" asked Linda.

"Well," Ken shyly replied "the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me
the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Linda.

The driver replied: "That I was giving Linda Tripp a ride, and I just
killed the cow."

What do Bill Clinton and

What do Bill Clinton and a bubble gum have in common?

Monica has blown them both.

The Lord spoke to Noah

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, ''In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark.'' And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. ''OK,'' Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, ''I'm your man.''

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

''Noah!'' shouted the Lord, ''Where is My ark?'' A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

''Lord, please forgive me!'' begged Noah. ''I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system.

''My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.

Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.

''Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.

''Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being. Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!

''Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years.''

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. ''You mean you are not going to destroy the world?'' he asked hopefully.

''No,'' said the Lord. ''The government already has.''

Why does Monica Lewinsky refuse

Why does Monica Lewinsky refuse to play golf?

She is sick and tired of getting hit in the head with Bill's balls.

Question and answer Clinton joke

Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?A: Highway 55.

Why does Bill Clinton wear

Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?

To keep his ankles warm.

Question and answer Clinton joke

Q: How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"?A: "Trust me."

Osama bin Genie

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle

On a beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.

The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you !"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton.

His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.

Question and answer Clinton joke

Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.

English is tough stuff.

Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language ... until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.

ENGLISH IS TOUGH STUFF

======================

Dearest creature in creation,

Study English pronunciation.

I will teach you in my verse

Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.

I will keep you, Suzy, busy,

Make your head with heat grow dizzy.

Tear in eye, your dress will tear.

So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,

Dies and diet, lord and word,

Sword and sward, retain and Britain.

(Mind the latter, how it's written.)

Now I surely will not plague you

With such words as plaque and ague.

But be careful how you speak:

Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;

Cloven, oven, how and low,

Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,

Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,

Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,

Exiles, similes, and reviles;

Scholar, vicar, and cigar,

Solar, mica, war and far;

One, anemone, Balmoral,

Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;

Gertrude, German, wind and mind,

Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,

Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.

Blood and flood are not like food,

Nor is mould like should and would.

Viscous, viscount, load and broad,

Toward, to forward, to reward.

And your pronunciation's OK

When you correctly say croquet,

Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,

Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour

And enamour rhyme with hammer.

River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,

Doll and roll and some and home.

Stranger does not rhyme with anger,

Neither does devour with clangour.

Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,

Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,

Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,

And then singer, ginger, linger,

Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,

Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,

Nor does fury sound like bury.

Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.

Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.

Though the differences seem little,

We say actual but victual.

Refer does not rhyme with deafer.

Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.

Mint, pint, senate and sedate;

Dull, bull, and George ate late.

Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,

Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,

Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.

We say hallowed, but allowed,

People, leopard, towed, but vowed.

Mark the differences, moreover,

Between mover, cover, clover;

Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,

Chalice, but police and lice;

Camel, constable, unstable,

Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,

Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.

Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,

Senator, spectator, mayor.

Tour, but our and succour, four.

Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

Sea, idea, Korea, area,

Psalm, Maria, but malaria.

Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.

Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,

Dandelion and battalion.

Sally with ally, yea, ye,

Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.

Say aver, but ever, fever,

Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.

Heron, granary, canary.

Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.

Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

Large, but target, gin, give, verging,

Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.

Ear, but earn and wear and tear

Do not rhyme with here but ere.

Seven is right, but so is even,

Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,

Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,

Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!

Is a paling stout and spikey?

Won't it make you lose your wits,

Writing groats and saying grits?

It's a dark abyss or tunnel:

Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,

Islington and Isle of Wight,

Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --

Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?

Hiccough has the sound of cup.

My advice is to give up!!!

Where's Dorothy?

Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, and Newt Gingrich were in a car when they got caught
in a tornado, and landed in The Land of Oz. When they got there. Bob Dole said
he wanted to see the wizard and ask him for some pineapples. Newt Gingrich said
when I see the wizard I will ask for a brain. Then Bill Clinton said, "Where's
Dorothy?"

Question and answer Clinton joke

Q: What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle?A: Oldielocks.

Iraqi Pilots

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?

A: You only have to teach them to take off!

A presidential advisor walked into the oval...

A presidential advisor walked into the oval office and said,
"More bad news Mr. President, the gloves fit Hillary."