Kid's say the darndest things...

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

- The future of "I give" is "I take."

- The parts of speech are lungs and air.

- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get oursilk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

- The climate is hottest next to the creator.

- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

Playpen

Mary was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts.

Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch."

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said. So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Siblings......

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!"

3 babies talking.

There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping carts in the grocery store check-out line.

The first little baby says, "Ugh, look at this - my mom just bought strained plums!"

The second baby says, "You think that's bad - my mom just bought strained peas!"

And the third baby says... "You think you guys got it bad?
How would you like to share a breast with a guy that smokes cigars!"

ONLY KIDS UNDER 13

HEY SON WHAT ARE YOU DOING?ASKED DAD
IME JUST PLAYING ? SAID SON
PLAYING WITH WHAT?ASKED DAD
IME PLAYING WITH MY PENIS?SAID SON
WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING WITH YOUR PENIS?ASKED DAD
JUST MASTRUBATING.SAID SON
CAN I JOIN IN?ASKED DAD
WHAT CAN YOU DO?ASKED SON
I CAN SUCK IT? SAID DAD
SURE I HAVE MY NAKED FRIENDS WITH ME SAID THE 13 YEAR OLD SON
NO PROBLEM, I CAN SUCK ALL OF YOUR COCKS.SAID DAD
HOW MANY FRIENDS DO YOU HAVE ASKED DAD?
JUST 12 FRIENDS SAID SON

Why do two skunks argue?

Q: Why do two skunks argue?
A: Because they like to kick up a stink.

Time

What happens when you kill time? You commit murder in the second degree.

Animal Crackers

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.

"What are you doing?" his mom asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

Well Behaved Students

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes.

When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was
sitting absolutely quiet.

She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like this
before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why
are you so well behaved and quiet?"

Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time
you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."

The Lone Ranger

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her Grade Two class because she realizes Little Johnny's habit of using sexual innuendo is going to cause some trouble.

Johnny remains attentive throughout the whole class and, finally, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, 'I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.'

`Very good, William,' said the teacher.

'My mummy had a baby,' said little Esther.

'Oh, that's nice,' replied the teacher.

Finally, Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. 'I was watching TV yesterday and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.'

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, 'And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?'

'It'll teach those Indians not to f*** with the Lone Ranger.'

The stork

The little boy comes home from school and asks mom, "Where do babies come from?"

Not wanting to get into the discussion of sex at such an early time she replies, "From the stork of course!"

The little guy thinks for a few seconds and then asks, "But mom, who fucks the stork?"

The Pillar and the Pole

The Sunday School teacher described how Lot's wife looked back at Sodom and
was turned into a pillar of salt.

Suddenly one child interrupted. "My mom looked back once while she was
driving," the youngster announced, "and she turned into a telephone pole."

Math class

Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out.

"If I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"

"An orgy," Johnny answered.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Flavor test

A man was doing a study of children's senses in a first-grade class using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave the children all the same kind of Lifesaver and asked them, "What is the flavor, and what color is it?" The children began to say, "Red . . . cherry . . . yellow . . . lemon . . . lime . . . green . . . orange . . . orange." Finally, he gave them all honey Lifesavers. The children suck on them for a while, but can't decipher the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother would call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled: "Everybody spit it out, they're assholes!"

Speed Camera

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeding motorists but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem.
A 10-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign that read 'Radar Trap Ahead'. The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'Tips' and a bucket full of change.

GOLF COURSE

Question: Why did the man wear to pars of pants to the golf course?

Answer: Just in case he got a hole in one.

Titswiggle

There was once a woman who owned a dog that she named Titswiggle.

One day when she came home from work she discovered that her beloved dog had run away.

She was out all night asking if anyone had seen a loose dog.

Nobody had seen him that night but the next morning she met a little boy who said that he had seen a stray dog. The dog he described matched hers exactly.

Upon finding out this information she asked the young boy, "Have you seen my Titswiggle?"

Then the boy said, "No, but can that be my reward?"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

First Words

The eight-year old boy had never spoken a word-ever. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "Soup's cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"

The boy looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything's been okay."

The Lettuce Joke

What did the salad say when the cabbage interrupted their meal?
Lettuce alone!

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