The Leprechaun Of The Hand

A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands."A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away," the boy said. He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands."A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands."A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands."A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!" "Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him."

Toilet robbery

A man is standing at a urinal when he notices that a midget is watching him. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't really become uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs up, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.

'Wow,' comments the midget, 'those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!'

Surprised, yet flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

'Listen, I know this is a rather strange request,' says the little fellow, 'but I wonder if you would mind if I touch them.'

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he complies with the request.

The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly,
'Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder.'

The faggot

What is the difference between a faggot and a refridgerator?

The fridge dont fart when you pull the meat out.

OJ at it Again!

O.J. was on a talk show recently and was asked if he would ever get married again.He replied.."Sure...I'd love to take another stab at it..!!!"

Fake it

What do you do when a Rottweiler humps your leg?

Fake an orgasm.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Flavored Ice Cream

Guy's walking down the street when he sees a sign in front of a store that says, "Any flavored Ice Cream - $1". Guy goes into the store, slaps down a buck and says, "I want pussy-flavored ice cream." Clerk nods, goes in the back of the store and comes back with an ice cream cone. "Here's your pussy-flavored ice cream, sir!" Guy takes the cone and walks out of the store. A few seconds later, he comes storming back into the store all pissed off. "Hey! I thought you said this is pussy-flavored ice cream!" Clerk says, "It is pussy-flavored ice cream, sir."Guy says, "So why does it taste like shit?" Clerk says, "Because, sir, you're taking too big of a lick."

Porno actress

A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to the doctor, 'Doc, do me a favor. Tell me what color the baby is as it's being born.'The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this. 'Why don't you know what color the child is going to be?''Well,' says the woman, 'the problem is that I'm a porno actress and the child was conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who the father is.''OK', says the doctor, 'I'll do it for you, but it's most unusual.'The baby begins to be born and the doctor says, 'Here comes the head, it seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted. Was one of the actors Chinese?''Yes, doctor, he was,' says the woman.'Wait,' says the doctor, 'the chest and arms are out and they seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?''Yes doctor, he was.''Wait, now the legs are out and they're light brown. Was one of the actors of mixed race?''Yes doctor, he was.'So the doctor pulls the baby free and gives it the traditional slap on the back. The baby lets out a healthy 'waaaaahh' and starts crying.'Oh, thank God for that!' says the woman, 'for a moment there I thought it might bark.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto

One day the Lone Ranger and his companion Tonto were walking through the desert when Tonto suddenly stopped, bent down to the ground and said, - "Buffalo Come!"

And the Lone Ranger said, "How do you know Tonto?"

Tonto replied, - "Ear stuck to ground..."

Purchase problems

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter.

The girl at the cash register said, 'I'm sorry, but we cannot sell cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.'

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog because old people sometimes eat dog food.

She went home and brought in her dog. She then bought the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, 'No, you might have a snake in there.'

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger in the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, 'That smells like shit.'

The little old lady said, 'It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?'

Divine Flatulence

Why did God make farts smelly? So deaf people can enjoy them too!

Fairy pie

When is a fairy not a fairy?????
When shes a goblin

Workplace Farting: O

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts. Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions. Holders - The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk. Desk Jockey - When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider: - Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females. - Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event. Meetings: - Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like. Aisle Walker: - Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice. Broom Closet: - One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky.And remember, if you're workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.

les dinosaurs

Q. What do u call 2 lesbian dinosaurs?

A: A lickalotapuss

Sandwiches

A teenage couple went to the guy's house and wanted to have sex.

They go into the guy's bedroom and got on the top bunk. His brother is on the bottom bunk so they decided to use code words; lettuce for harder and tomato for faster.

So they're saying lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato etc...

The brother wakes up and says "Would you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!"

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis

The Cheese Grater

A friend of Stevie Wonder bought him a cheese grater for Christmas. A few weeks later the chap met up with the star again and asked him what he thought of the present."Man!" replied Stevie."That was the most violent book I've ever read!"

shitty gang bang

A woman who had very bad diarrhoea was anally raped by six men.

It was a shitty shitty gang bang.

Money for panites.

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.
As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on."

The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.

Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.

As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.

The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.

The priest hands the lady $1 and says...
"Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!"

Your Car Need Clean

12. Greenpeace won't let you move the car for fear of displacing some dung beetles that have taken up residence.11. Neighborhood kids offer: "Mow your Volvo, sir?"10. Your pine tree air freshener is now a protected old growth forest.9. Satellite photos reveal crop circles on your roof.8. "Wash Me" appears on your trunk -- chiseled with a jackhammer.7. Its impossible to drive with the kids always clamoring to have a look through the periscope.6. Your "cell phone antenna" is really a sapling which took root.5. The kids are convinced that those crumpled old newspapers at the floor of the car are housing varmits.4. Visits to the farm always result in pigs squaling around your tires.3. Kids write "PLOW ME!" on your trunk.2. When you blow the horn, prairie dogs pop up from the hood.1. That rank smell coming from under all those McDonalds bags? The missing cat!

Butt Doctor

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for...but what's the BEER for?"At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"

Circumcision

A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery.As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet."What's this," she asked."Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!"