12 Good Things about Burning the Turkey

1. Salmonella won�t be a concern.

2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.

3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.

4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.

5. Pets won�t bother to pester you for scraps.

6. No one will overeat.

7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.

8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.

9. You�ll get to the desserts even quicker.

10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.

11. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.

12. You won�t have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.

The Top 15 Signs You're Not a Very Good Cook

15> Your meals look just like the pictures on the cover of the magazine -- Aviation Disaster Weekly.

14> Only similarity between your Mexican cuisine and actual Mexican cuisine is the vomiting and diarrhea.

13> Jack Kevorkian keeps writing to ask for recipes.

12> Your leftovers don't have an expiration date... they have a half-life.

11> When no one's looking, the dog sneaks your food to his heartworms after your son sneaks it to him.

10> The EPA has opened a branch office in your breakfast nook.

9> After all this time, it turns out the recipes were calling for *chicken* eggs.

8> First day in the kitchen, your job was "toast the bread." Then you were downgraded to "cut the bread." Now it's simply "stop your bleeding."

7> You still can't figure out what the hell a "tiblisp" is.

6> The Defense Department has requested your rice pilaf recipe as a repair compound for leaky battleships.

5> After lower than anticipated craving for your arroz con stinkbug, you think you overhear your fellow Survivors discussing how to cook stew. Your name? Stu.

4> The cat shuns your table scraps in favor of its own vomit.

3> Your Chicken a la King is served on a bed of shocking gray hair.

2> Your tapeworm has issued an unconditional surrender.

1> Lobster? Climbs out of the pot, grabs a cook book, and proceeds to beat you with it.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

Fun to do during an exam

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

Least Popular Philosophical Questions

30> Given an infinite number of geeks in an infinite number of "Star Trek" conventions, would there be at least one with a life?29> Why is Pauly Shore so successful, while a deserving and talented actor like Tom Arnold is still struggling?28> Ask not for whom the bell tolls. Ask why Bell charges so much for toll calls.27> Can God make Marlon Brando so big that even He can't move him?26> If you could go back in time, would you give Hitler a wedgie?25> The sky's just BLUE, dammit! Get over it!24> If you sell a video explaining how you didn't kill your ex-wife and her male friend and no one buys it, does it make a sound?23> What will I have for lunch today -- chicken salad or egg salad?22> How much cheese could Chuck E. Cheese chuck if Chuck E. Cheese could chuck cheese?21> Yeah, where the hell *is* Waldo?20> If a monk, living in a monastery, takes a vow of silence, then talks in his sleep, has he broken his vow of silence? If so, who is going to tell on him?19> If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?18> If a thing of beauty is a joy forever, why does ugly seem to last so much longer?17> How many angels can writhe in tortured agony skewered on the pointy end of a pin?16> If Mike Tyson bites off Jesus' ear in a fight, is it a foul or a sacrament?15> If a tree fell and crushed Pauly Shore in the forest, would anyone care (except Misty Rivera, of course)?14> Why aren't the Toronto Maple Leafs called the Maple Leaves?13> If the earth stopped spinning, would the value of my car still depreciate?12> If there are elves in the gravy, why must the pigeon herniate at midnight?11> Which came first -- the chicken or the various things that taste like chicken?10> Would a massive police search for a male serial killer dressed as a woman be called a "Dragnet"? 9> Why *are* there so many songs about rainbows? 8> For what doth it profit a man if he gains his freedom yet loseth his Heisman? 7> If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in a line take so long? 6> How many licks does it take to get to the center of the universe? 5> If I am, do I drink? 4> What would you rather have, no short-term memory or I forget the question? 3> What is the sound of a one-handed man with the clap? 2> If you take an infinite number of monkeys, put them in a room with an infinite number of typewriters, and supply them with an infinite amount of crack, would they really be able to write a really kick-ass Top 5 list?1> How much wood would a woodchuck sport, if a woodchuck had a woody?

Thoughts to Ponder...

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow isn't looking good either. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, 'Where the hell is the ceiling?!' Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off! We have a strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful, or should that be I'm strange and you're wonderful? Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack. The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know? Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. I put the 'fun' in dysfunctional. Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts. All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen. Does 'anal retentive' have a hyphen? I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines. Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me. Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise? I have not yet begun to procrastinate. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are. -- It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission. There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know. Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you................ I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am? Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will Whiz on your computer. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

The Top 16 Scenes Cut from "Titanic"

16. Hilarity ensues when someone replaces the life jackets with whoopee cushions.

15. Right after the ship hits the iceberg, the Captain hits the First Mate over the head with his cap, saying "Gilligan, you idiot!"

14. P-Funk Mothership descends on the quarterdeck and plays "Aqua Boogie" while Sir Nose d'Voidoffunk wails that he can't swim.

13. Twenty passengers cling to Kate Winslet's implants for safety.

12. Crazy French skunk sneaks on board and tries to romance Rose's black cat, who rubbed against a freshly-painted white pole.

11. Sexy young Strom Thurmond is saved when his new friend, Sven, the handsome Swedish steward, heroically gives up his lifeboat seat.

10. Battle over survivors breaks out between the "Carpathia" and the "Kevorkian."

9. Gopher, Isaac, and Doc escaping on a lifeboat with some stolen jewels and divorcees Karen Valentine, Connie Stevens and Charo.

8. At the 2:20 minutes mark, dinner guest #5 throws down his napkin and exclaims, "Will this damned thing ever end?!?"

7. A computer-generated Herve Villachaise screaming, "De berg, Boss, de berg!"

6. Fearing theme song will "go on forever," Celine Dion's grandmother leaps from lifeboat.

5. The evil fianc� reveals that he's Jack's father and suggests they overthrow the Captain and rule the ship together as father and son.

4. Kathie Lee belting out, "If they could see me drown..."

3. Blooper in which Marlon Brando's "iceberg" makeup slips off.

2. Wanting his Scotch "on the rocks," First Mate Skippy Hazelwood deliberately steers the ship into the iceberg.

1. Captain Clinton shows Rose his dinghy.

The Top 25 Things to Say at Work on Talk Like a Pirate Day

25> "No cover sheet on your expense report? Prepare yerself to be walking the plank, matey."

24> "Hop to it, dogs: Thar be leftover catering booty in the break room for plunderin'."

23> "Sixteen men an' a copier mess -- yo, ho, ho and a bottle of toner."

22> "Avast, men! Get a telescope full of the doubloons on *that* vessel."

21> "I'll be keelhaulin' the next one of ye what leaves ye filthy Tupperware in the break room sink!"

20> "Arrr, matey, have your parrot call my parrot and we'll one day partake of noontime grub together."

19> "No, Bob, I will not 'shiver your timbers.' I will, however, call my attorney."

18> "To arms, me lads! The spoils of the snack machine shall be ours, to each in a fortieth share!"

17> "Me cell phone fell deep into Davy Jones' locker! Nobody flush... I'll go get me hook."

16> "Save that last donut for me, unless ya care to feel the cold steel of my hook hand up yer arse, matey."

15> "Be that a peg leg, or arrr ye just happy to cast yer eyes upon me?"

14> "Fax ahoy, mateys!"

13> "Avast! A Team Builders meeting off our schedule's port bow! Scuttle yer productivity, mateys, and prepare to be bored-ed!"

12> "No increase in me pay? Arrr, boss, let me tell ye where ye can store that hook!"

11> "Hold that elevator, ye whoreson bilge rat!"

10> "Ye bent my ear with yer lubberly questions WITHOUT tryin' a reboot first? Arrr! It's the plank for you, ye mangy cur... and thank ye for calling Microsoft Tech Support!"

9> "Arrr, load the Canon, wench, and collate me copies!"

8> "Avast, ya scurvy knave! Brave be ye, for certain, but arrr ye willin' ta die fer that parking spot?"

7> "Twenty paces past the Magic Fountain of Water... bear ye left past the Chamber of Meetings... and a minute's voyage down the Great Carpeted Hallway... the unisex bathroom'll be on yer port side."

6> "Aye, if it's a large treasure chest and amazin' booty ye seek, fix yer gaze upon the receptionist."

5> "Boss, I'll be borrowin' a coupla doubloons from petty cash fer some Ho Ho's and a bottle of rum."

4> "Aaaarrrrrghhh! Who among us floated the air mead?"

3> "Arrr! I've arrr!anged for Arrr!lene in arrr!chives to send up that arrr!ticle on arrr!bitration."

2> "Avast, ye demon copy machine! Taste the wrath of my arse!"

1> "Arrr, I have made note of yer demands and I have but one question for ye: Will ye be wantin' slivers o' potato fried in the popular French style with that?"

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]