Showing posts with label rednecks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rednecks. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Slanted News

Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "'Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.


"But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies.


"'Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," says the reporter as he writes in his notebook.


"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says.


"Then what are you?" the reporter asks


"I'm a Cowboys fan!!!" the boy says proudly.


The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet!"

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Redneck quickies 33

You might be a redneck if...When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into "America's Most Wanted".You own more than two clappers.You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents. Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife's car, but no blade. You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it. You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool. You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool. Your pickup truck no longer has a back. The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day.The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels "over yonder in them hills."Your mustache is longer than your wife's hair. Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook. Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips. Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip net. City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.You think Tang is in the fruit group. You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC's.You've ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

The neighborhood dogs are afraid

The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Soda Cans

You know you are a redneck if... you stare at a can that say "concentrate".

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

5 steps to peeing

Because his son wasn't the brightest kid in the world, old Hillbilly Joe took him to the outhouse one day to teach him how to urinate properly. "Now you lissen good, Dan'l, 'cuz here's whatcha gotta do.One: Take out your penie-pipe. Two: Pull back the foreskin.Three: Pee.Four: Push back your foreskin.Five: Put your equipment back."The boy said he understood, but the next day while he was working at his still, Joe's wife came running over. "Oh, Joe, Joe, come quick! Dan'l went ta piss an' won't come out of the outhouse!""Hell, whut's he doin' in there?" Joe said.I dunno. He jess keeps sayin' "Two-four, two-four, two-four......"

Your wife keeps a can

Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.Your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it.You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

Supernatural sex

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural.


To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.


"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"


About 40 students raise their hands.


"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?


15 students raise their hands.


"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"


3 students raise their hands.


"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?


One student in the back raises his hand.


The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.


The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.


The student replies, "Ghost?!?" "Dang it, I thought you said ''GOATS."

Monday, January 21, 2013

Redneck Theft

You might be a redneck if you are working at a welfare office and are arrested for stealing food stamps.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

You're a redneck ... there is a stuffed

You're a redneck if.... There is a stuffed 'possum anywhere in your house.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Using the Elevator

An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from their home in the East Tennesse Smokies. One day the man said to his wife, "Honey, you know we're not getting any younger and I sure would like to take a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in the city before I die."


That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four years later they had enough for them and their never-married adult son to go and spend 5 nights in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all piled into the man's old pickup and headed out.


When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife, "Mama, you just wait in the truck. Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right place."


When they stepped into the lobby they both thought they had died and gone to heaven. There were indoor streams and water fountains, polished marble and gleaming brass everywhere. But the most amazing thing of all was the elevators. They stood there and watched the lights flash, the doors open and close and people getting on and off.


A stooped over little lady who was 90 if she was a day approached the elevators and pushed the "Up" arrow. The door opened and she got on. The door closed. The lights above the door flashed. They flashed some more and the door opened. The most stunning 24-year-old, green-eyed blonde you've ever seen stepped off and went into the lounge. The son looked at his dad.


The dad looked at his son for just a second and then said, "Son, go git yer Ma."

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Hillbilly in Hospita

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know any thing that's going on.""Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man."He don't know nothing now."

Monday, January 14, 2013

Your momma gives you tips

Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Arkansas State Residency Application

Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob(last) (_) Billy-Joe(_) Billy-Ray(_) Billy-Sue(_) Billy-Mae(_) Billy-Jack(_) Billy-Jefferson(Check appropriate box)Age: ____Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/AShoe Size: ____ Left ____ RightOccupation:(_)Farmer(_)Mechanic(_)Hair Dresser(_)Un-employedSpouse's Name: __________________________Relationship with spouse:(_) Sister(_) Brother(_) Aunt(_) Uncle(_) Cousin(_) Mother(_) Father(_) Son(_) Daughter(_) PetNumber of children living in household: ___Number that are yours: ___Mother's Name: _______________________Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)___ Total number of vehicles you own___ Number of vehicles that still crank___ Number of vehicles in front yard___ Number of vehicles in back yard___ Number of vehicles on cement blocksFirearms you own and where you keep them:____ truck____ bedroom____ bathroom____ kitchen____ shedModel and year of your pickup: ___________194_Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:(_)The National Enquirer(_)The Globe(_)TV Guide(_)Soap Opera Digest___ Number of times you've seen a UFO___ Number of times you've seen Elvis___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFOHow often do you bathe:(_)Weekly(_)Monthly(_)Not ApplicableColor of teeth:(_)Yellow(_)Brownish-Yellow(_)Brown(_)Black(_)N/ABrand of chewing tobacco you prefer:(_)Red-ManHow far is your home from a paved road?(_)1 mile(_)2 miles(_)don't know

Thursday, January 10, 2013

You might be a redneck if....

Jack Daniel's makes your list of Most Admired People.
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, Hey, y'all watch this!
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Redneck Ventriloquest

A ventriloquist is working down South and during his show a hick stands up and yells,"HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!"


"Relax" said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!"


"I'm not talking to you, sir!" The hick replied "I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!"

You might be a redneck if... chain

Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

You Might Be a Redneck If...

Your 2 year old has more teeth than you do.


You mow your lawn and find your long lost convertible.


You mistake the offering plates for an ashtray.


You make change in the offering plate.


You go to family reunions to meet girls.


You call your boss dude.


When you see a sign that says no to crack you pull up your pants.


When your amazed that your son finally said his first word and
he is 21.


When your 5 year old can count higher than you.


When somebody yells hoe down your girfriend drops to the floor.


You go racoon hunting on your honeymoon.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Redneck Driver's License Application

Redneck Driver's License Application...


Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.


Last name: ________________


First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue


Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician


Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________


Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet


Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___


Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________


Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade


Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?


Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks


Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still
slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)


Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop


Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_


Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:


Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters


___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO


How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable


How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A


Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal


How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Redneck quickies 27

You might be a rednack if...Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck. You have all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes on tape. You can give a summary of all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes. You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek. It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.You've ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.You've ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store. You think the tobacco companies have done nothing wrong. You've ever shoplifted Spam.You don't understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy. Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family won't go hungry.You prefer the Sears catolog to Charmin. Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q. You think deer hunting should be an olympic sport. You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.You have to call the police more than once a week to remove your drunk mother-in-law from your front lawn.Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.You ever spent the night in the bed of your truck rather than paying for a motel room.None of your zippers have all their teeth either. You are driving the car you were conceived in. You've ever used scissors on food.