Lost while hunting

Two men from Canada were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something. The first man says to the other, 'If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you.' After about three hours, the second man finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo. The next morning, the first man finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the first man if he did what he told him to do. The man answers, 'Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows.'

Constipation Remedy

A Bama Graduate was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.

A week later the grad complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results. "Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.

"What do you think I've been doing," the grad said, "Shoving them up my ass!"

Little boy

once opon a time there was little boy playing with his electric tran and the mother was in the kitchen doing god knows what the train stops and the boy said all you Brassards who are geting off get the hell of now because this is the last stop and all you Brassards getting on get the hell on now because where going down the tracks the Horrified mother ran out and said go to your room for 2 hours and you can play with your train again 2 hours pass the boy starts to play again the train stoped and th boy said all you passengers who are disinbarking i hope you hade a good trip and all you passenger who are getting on please put your hand luggage under the seats th mother began to smils but as she did that th boy added and all you barsttards who are pissed off about the two hour delay please derct your conplants to th fat bitch in the kitchen.

Darwin Award Stuff

THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of) those individuals, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, have done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

1997 DARWIN NOMINEES:

(# 1) Los Angeles, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki need stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en route to the hospital.

(# 2) Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.

(# 3) Phillipsburg, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."

(# 4) In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

(# 5) MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)

(# 6) In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.

(# 7) RENTON, Washington, USA. On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:

1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.

2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.

3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door.

4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.

1997 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS (I.E. Non-fatalities)

Gulf Breeze, Florida, three unidentified teenage males were using a home video camera to film an action/adventure "movie" one of the boys had written. In a scene that called for each character to be ignited by fire, the "special effects coordinator," age 15, prepared the "stunt" youth by dousing lighter fluid onto his clothes. The intentional fire, which proved unexpectedly difficult to extinguish, left the young man with third degree burns on his left arm, torso, and both legs. It was all captured on film.

In Bradford, PA, J. Cruwe, 28, caught a small snake in a container which he handed to his wife. She opened the container and, startled to see the snake, dropped it. The excited and poisonous snake immediately bit Mr. Cruwe on the shin. Mr Cruwe survived the wound and recovered after a short visit to the local emergency room.

TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the middle of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and pulled his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the frigid waters of the Tacoma Narrows and Puget Sound and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "Is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's severed foot was never located.

The Frog Scientist

There was this not too bright scientist doing a study on how frogs respond to commands.

He tells a frog to jump. The frog jumps 30 feet.
He writes in his log book, frog jumps 30 feet.

Then he cuts off one leg. He gives the same command to frog.
It jumps 25 feet. In Log: Cut off one leg, frog jumps 5 less feet.

He cuts off another leg.
Frog goes 20 feet. He records it in log book.

Then he cuts off the 3rd leg, commands frog to jump. Frog jumps 10 feet.
He writes, cut off 3 legs and frog now jumps 10 less feet.

Finally, he cuts off the last leg and commands frog, JUMP! Frog doesn't move an inch.

So the scientist writes in his book...
Cut off all 4 legs and frog GOES DEAF!

Its Bedtime!

The bride lay in bed on the first night of their honeymoon while her husband stood at the bedroom window, gazing at the stars.

"Come to bed, darling," she whispered after some time had passed.

"Not likely," replied the blonde groom, "my mother told me that this would be the best night of my life and I'm not going to miss a minute of it."

The traffic ticket.

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to
appear for a minor traffic summons.

He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"WHAT FOR?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.

The Judge, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The guy replied...
"I know - I'm just seeing if I have enough for 2 more words!"

Email or post, it doesn't matter to me. I'm...

Email or post, it doesn't matter to me. I'm not paying for the bandwidth.

There it is: a summary of USENET in 14 words.

Twins

Headline in today's newspaper:

"Suicidal Twin kills sister by mistake"!

Darwin Award Winner

The Darwin Awards

The annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

And 1996's winner true story is as follows: The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields.

He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO unit. The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 4.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.

The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 fighter pilots under full afterburners, basically causing him to become two dimensional for the remainder of his trip. The automobile, surprisingly, remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20) seconds before the driver, applied and instantly, melted the brakes. Not suprisingly, the now blown tires left thick rubber marks on the road surface just before he became airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

It is estimated that the driver hit the cliff face at a whopping 468 mph, the average cruising speed of a DC-9. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Paint the Porch

Hobo shows up at the front door of a grand mansion. The owner comes to the door. Hobo says, "Sir, I am down on my luck and ask if you could please spare me a meal?"

The owner stared at the hobo for a minute and then broke out in a lambasting such as the world has never seen. "You shiftless bum!! I worked all my life for what I have and you make me sick, begging for food! How dare you!! You should be ashamed!"

The hobo lowered his head in shame. After a minute of silence, the owner began to soften toward the unfortunate man, and said, "Look, if you are willing to do some work for me, I will pay you and give you a meal."

The hobo was ecstatic! "Oh, yes sir! I will do whatever you want. Thank you!" So the owner said, "OK, go around back. You'll see a porch there, and a bucket of battleship grey paint and a brush. Paint the porch, windows included, and you'll have a meal." The hobo wasted no time and scurried around back.

About an hour later, the front bell rang again. The owner opened the door and saw a paint splattered hobo with a big grin on his face. "Now don't you feel better," he said. "Yes!" said the hobo. "I'm a new man!"

"OK," said the owner, "come in and have some lunch." The two sat around the kitchen eating and drinking for about an hour, when the hobo said he had to leave. He thanked the owner profusely for getting him back on the straight and narrow.

As the owner showed the hobo to the front door, the hobo turned and said, "Oh, by the way, that was not a Porsche out back, it was a Ferrari."

How ugly was she

i knew a girl that was so ugly.how ugly was she? she was so ugly the only thing uglyer would have been two of her.

Victorias Secret...

TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDN'T SAY OUT LOUD AT VICTORIA'S SECRET

10. Does this come in children's sizes?
9. No thanks, just sniffing
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind
7. Mom will love this
6. Oh size won't matter, she's inflatable.
5. No need to wrap it, I'll eat it here
4. Will you model this for me?
3. The Miracle what?!? This is better than world peace!!
2. $45 bucks?! You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!!!

And the number one thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in
Victoria's Secret is:

1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!!!!!

Ur so dumb

ur so dumb you tried to sit in the corner of a round room

Flat tire by the nut house

Mr Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Mr Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Mr Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.Mr Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing."Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something."Mr Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realises the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."