The Top 16 Things TopFive Contributors Have to Be Thankful For

16> Auto mechanics who don't ask how the barbecue sauce got into my engine oil.

15> Suppression of our e-mail addresses means we're not constantly inundated by messages from humor-starved supermodels.

14> After memorizing those funny hurricane names, I'm always the life of the party!

13> Despite the revenue hit Chris has taken with the drop in Internet advertising, he still only charges us $2,500 a year to be contributors.

12> We only need to be half as funny as the Top Ten writers.

11> If it weren't for TopFive, I would never get laid. Come to think of it, I never get laid anyway, but at least with TopFive, I can hold on to the false hope.

10> That all the dates from hell I endure will make a great chapter in my eventual VH-1 biography.

9> At long last, the glorious return of Alf to television!

8> Soft summer rains, the musical laugh of a child... and Britney Spears getting sluttier by the minute.

7> With all the valuable skills I'm learning, one day I, too, might become President of the United States.

6> The Statute of Limitations.

5> Well, you know that feeling of exhilaration combined with relief that you get when you pop a big fat zit?

4> Mom's three jobs and arthritis won't stop her from cooking up a 27-course feast and serving it to me on the couch so I don't have to miss any football.

3> J.Lo took that needy, clingy Ben Affleck off my hands.

2> Chris always fixes hour spelling, grammer and punctuation so, we dont look stupid.

1> I'm thankful that I live in a great nation where I can still disagree with the government without fear of the Homeland Security DepartIPpa*)#^%#8000 NO CARRIER

Singing Tree Tattles On Burglar Suspects...

Singing Tree Tattles On Burglar Suspects

BATON ROUGE, La. (Reuters) - A singing Christmas tree tattled on two teenage
burglary suspects in Louisiana, leaving the boys with backsides full of
buckshot rather than handfuls of loot, police said Tuesday.
Businessman Leon Wilson, Sr., 59, had been robbed twice last week, so he
started sleeping in his store Friday night and set up a makeshift burglar
alarm -- a motion-activated toy Christmas tree his wife had perched near the
store's cash register. Wilson said the toy annoyed him everytime someone
walked by.
When motion is detected, the tree's eyes pop open, its mouth moves and it
calls out "Merry Christmas, Everybody!" before singing "Jingle Bells." Wilson
set up the toy near the door and stretched out on a couch in the back.
Early Monday morning, the singing Christmas tree went off and he spotted two
burglars near the cash register, armed with a crowbar they allegedly used to
pry open the door, Wilson said.
"They spotted me and bolted for the door and I started shooting, aiming low
cause I didn't want to kill them," he said. "I don't think the Lord would have
blessed me for that. But now, maybe, burglars won't come back here."
Baton Rouge police said the two 16-year-old suspects, one with buckshot in
his buttocks and the other with a minor leg wound, were arrested on burglary
charges and released to their parents.
Police did not identify the boys because they are juveniles.
Police said no charges were filed against Wilson, although the case will be
forwarded to the district attorney for review.

Ebonics X-mas

An Ebonics X-mas The Night Befo' Crizmus
Wuz da night befo Crizmus An all thru da hood Everybody be sleepin' Dey was sleepin real good

We hunged up our stockins An hoped like all heck Dat 'ol Sanny Claws Gonna brang us our check

All of da fambly Wuz layin in beds While Thunderbird wine Danced thru dere heds

I dun passed out on ze flo' Right nex to my maw When I heared such a fuss I thunk - it mus be da law

I looked out thru da bars What could I now do I was spectin the sherrif With a warrent for sho'

And what did I see Made me say, "Lawd look at dat" Dere was a huge watahmelon Pulled by 8 big ass rats

Now ober all da years Sanny Claws he be white But it looks like us bros Get a black Sanny tonite

Faster dan a po lice car My homeboy he came He whupped up on dem rats As he called dem be name

On Leroy, On Roosevelt On Virvus, On Willie On Yolanda, On Crayola On Kiesha, and Nefrotilly

An 'ol Sanny landed dat watahmelon Out dere in da street I knowed it fo shu Da damnest ting I eber did seed

Dat black Sanny didn't go down no chimbly He picked da lock on my do' An I sez to myeslf "Shit - He dis befo'

He had did big bag Full of prezents I speck Wif Air Jordans and fake gold To wear roun my nek

But he left no prezents Jus started stealin my shit Got my guns, got my crack Eben my burgler's kit

Wit my shit in his bag Out da windo he flew I sho woulda chased him But he got my knife too

He jumped on dat watahmelon Wit out a hitch He wuz gone in a second That son of a bitch

So nex year I be hopin' A white Sanny we git 'Cause a black Sanny Claws Jus ain't worf a shit!