Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?A: Flattered.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Beer Troubleshooting
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
Knock KnockWho's there?Frederick!Frederick who?Frederick Express!
Knock KnockWho's there?Frederick!Frederick who?Frederick Express!
Hogwarts Expulsion
Hogwarts Expulsion
Why was Harry Potter kicked out of Hogwarts? He was caught playing with
his broomstick.
LIPSTICK ON THE MIRRORS
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique
problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in
the restroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would
press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all of
the girls to the restroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how!
difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean
one of them. He took a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then
cleaned the mirror.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.
Una madre orgullosa y
Una madre orgullosa y contenta con su hijo que jugaba beisbol, le gritaba:
"�Batea Con�! �Corre Con�! �Lanza Con�!"
Llenas de curiosidad, las amigas fan�ticas le preguntaron que de donde sali� el nombre de su hijo.
Ella les explic� que al inscribirlo al registro demogr�fico el funcionario a cargo se resisti� a inscribirlo Iduardo, como ella quer�a.
Cada vez que ella le dec�a que se llamaria Iduardo, �l le contestaba: �Con�, Con�, Con�!
Una pareja de ancianos discuten,
Una pareja de ancianos discuten, y �l le dice a ella:
"Cuando te mueras voy a comprar una l�pida que diga: "Aqu� yace mi mujer, tan fr�a como siempre".
"Y yo voy a poner: "Aqu� yace mi marido, �al fin r�gido!".
Car crash
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.
The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
A little help
A guy goes to the doctor and says, Hey doc, I need a prescription for Viagra. The doctor says, What do you need it for? The guy pulls out a picture of his wife who is a tad on the UGLY side. The doc replies You want 40mg. or 80.?
Things men will never say part 2
11. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
12. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?
13. What happened to my old Nancy Drew books?
14. Do these jeans come in lavender?
15. I love jogging dear, but I can't keep up with you. You go on
ahead.
16. This shower curtain doesn't have enough frills on it.
17. Damn, too bad this car isn't a four cylinder.
18. My butt's too big, don't lie, it's true. My butt's too big.
19. It's OK; I'll sleep in the wet spot.
20. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
Wasting your time
A little boy walks into his parents room and sees his mom bouncing up and down on top of his dad.
Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worrying about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time." says the boy.
"Why is that?" asks his Mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Extreme Bumper Stickers Seen on Cars
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Admitting the unwanted truth
One of my teachers always jokes around with us and during class and all the kids talk about his personal life. And one day during class our teacher bent over to pick his pen up and his hiney was all up in my friends face.
And my teachers favorite student said "Hey MR.******, why are you wearing a thong, and then everyone started saying things like "he's wearing a pink frilly thong!" or "it has to be XXL!" And then Mr.****** said loudly "My personal life is none of yalls buisness!Alright?" And every one, including me said "no!" And Mr.****** said " Me and my thong ain't none of yalls buisness!" Clearly Mr****** just admitted that he wears a thong! Everyone busted out laughing, and our teacher was REALLY blushing! LOL!!!
Father & Son
Son:� dad, i have to do a special report for school. can i ask you a
question?"
father: "sure son. what's the question?"
son: "what is politics?"
father: "well, let's take our home for example. i am the wage earner, so let's
call me "capitalism". your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call
her "government". we take care of your needs, so we'll call you "the people".
we'll call the maid "the working class", and your baby brother we can call "the
future".
"do you understand, son?"
son: "i'm not really sure, dad. i'll have to think about it".
that night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what
was wrong. discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy
went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. he went to the
maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with
the maid. the boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid,
so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
the next morning he reported to his father. "dad, now i think i understand
what politics is".
father: "good son! can you explain it to me in your own words?"
son: "well dad, while capitalism is screwing the working class, government is
sound asleep, the people are being completely ignored and the future is full of
s***".
THIERS A GUY AND HE ONLY HAS ONE EYE. HIS...
THIERS A GUY AND HE ONLY HAS ONE EYE. HIS OTHER EYE IS MADE OF WOOD, SO HE GOES TO HIS FIRST DANCE, HE SEES A GIRL WITH ONE LEG AND HE ASK HER TO DANCE SHES SO EXCITED AND SHE REPLIED WOULD I WOULD I AND HE SAID PEG LEG PEG LEG. HA HA HA HA
Funny Thoughts
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?Why does sour cream have an Expiration date?Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
The Easter Bunny
A man was driving down a road, when all of a sudden, the Easter
Bunny ran out into the road and the man hit it. The man got out
of his car and started crying, for he had killed the Easter
Bunny. "Oh no!" cried the man, "i have killed the easter bunny!
Now no one will be able to get easter eggs on Easter!! And it's
all my fault!" Then a lady drove down the road, and she noticed
the man crying next to his car, so she stopped and got out to
see what the problem was. She walked over and asked,"What's the
matter?" and the man said,"I've killed the Easter bunny and
there will be no Easter because of me!"
She said,"Don't worry!" and she ran back to her car. She came
back with a can of spray in her hand. She sprayed the bunny,
and the bunny leaped up and started to run. Then he stopped and
turned around and waved. Then he started to run again, then he
stopped, and waved again. Then he stopped, turned around, and
waved again. This happened about ten times, and then the man
asked, "What's in the can?" She said, "It's hairspray. It
livens hare and adds permanent wave."
Q: How many Mensans
Q: How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?A: None. The bulb isn't bright enough.
The Top 15 Signs Your Favorite Baseball Team Has Given Up
15> Most of the stadium seating has been leased to scientists developing a better Slinky.
14> Every time the crowd does "the wave," the players respond with "the finger."
13> Backs of the uniforms are embroidered with "Ask Me About Amway."
12> The on-deck circle is now equipped with a Sega.
11> After the first pitch, every player argues with the ump until he's thrown out of the game.
10> The pitcher now takes the mound dressed like Stevie Nicks.
9> The outfielders jog into position more slowly than ever, now that each is carrying his own lawn chair.
8> The manager allows his fielders to use their cell phones during pitching changes.
7> Play is temporarily suspended to allow the batter in the on-deck circle to finish his ice cream cone.
6> Too dejected to spit, they simply drool onto the dugout floor.
5> For a pinch runner, the manager sends in the winner of the sausage race.
4> Mike Piazza starts leaving after the fifth inning every Thursday so he doesn't miss "Will and Grace."
3> The equipment manager starts wholesaling Sammy's bats to Robert Mondavi.
2> The announcer says, "Catching and batting fourth, Mmmmmmmmmmmmmme!"
1> The catcher's down to just two signs: "whatever" and "I don't give a rat's ass."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
In a surprise interview, Monica
In a surprise interview, Monica was asked about the details of her late
night meetings with the President...
"I can't remember the details, she said,but I know the answer is on the
tip of my tongue!"
"Little boy, I don't care
"Little boy, I don't care if your dog can talk. Please
tell him this is a Tardis, not a Way-Back Machine".
Disorderly Conduct
Three men stood before a judge on a charge of disorderly conduct in a public park.
Judge:
"What were you doing?"
1st man:
"Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond."
Judge:
"And what were you doing?"
2nd man:
"I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too."
Judge:
"Sounds harmless. And you, were you
throwing peanuts in the pond as well?"
3rd man:
"No, sir. I AM Peanuts!"
Old Professions
A surgeon, an architect, and a politician were considering the question of whose profession was the oldest. "I think my line of work would win this one hands down," the surgeon said. "After all, Eve was created from Adam's rib, and that sounds like surgery to me." "Maybe," the architect said, "but before Adam, order was created out of chaos. That was an architectural accomplishment." "Sure," the politician said. "But before that, someone had to create the chaos."
Lawyer and Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if
she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take
a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to
catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the
game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and
visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some
sleep.
The lawyer, now some what agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't
know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I
will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he
will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention
and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless
she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from
the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches
in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up
a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer
looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of
Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and
friends. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The
blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to
sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the
blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word,
the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes
back to sleep.
The Ethical Question
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney
charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck
to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical
question came to the attorney's mind, "Do I tell my partner?"
Sunbaking Nude
A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex.To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.
Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a homecooked dinner, after which they went into the livingroom to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again.He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"
Cheney and the Bushes on a Plane
Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
Knock KnockWho's there?Waiter!Waiter who?Waiter I
Knock KnockWho's there?Waiter!Waiter who?Waiter I get my hands on you!
Three Hymns
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"
Dave's Night Out
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
The hunters
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ��My friend is dead! What can I do?�� The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ��Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.�� There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: ok, now what?
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